You ever have a moment where you realize what you did? No, I'm not talking something like why you took the cookie. Cookies are good and meant to be taken. I'm talking something like giving up on life, and trying to reorient yourself in light of something devastating. This is what happened to me, when my internship (and future as a missionary) got postponed indefinitely. You see, ever since 9th or 10th grade, I had made my identity as "future missionary to Germany." When that got pulled away from me, I had no idea what to do. So I got an apartment, and started working 40+ hour weeks, saving up money, trying to figure out what to do next. My mentor and others wondered what caused my going off the deep end, pushing away all remnants of my past life, until one day, a couple weeks ago, the spirit just whispered in my ear one word: "Identity." What I thought was my identity had really been an idol, because I put it before my relationship with God. Now, though, with God's grace and the help of my mentors and friends, I'm getting this identity thing right. I am a follower of Christ, son of God, first and foremost. Everything else, including how I serve Him (whether as a waiter, student, or missionary) is secondary.
So now, I'm ready for school to start in the fall, even if I'm not completely motivated to return. I'll finish my degree, and then see where God has me go. Maybe I'll end up in Germany, or at the very least, as a missionary, afterall. But this time, it will be due to Him, using my desires, rather than me, having a false identity.