While I may expound on these (and many other) issues in the future, this past weekend I was at camp. I haven't been up there in about 4 years, if not longer. As i got to walk and hike and bike around, my soul was renewed. However, at the same time, I had a deep internal struggle. Where is my heart? As you know, I'm an extremely logical and analytical person. Through my academic and scholastic life, I've determined there is no other explanation for existence besides an intelligent deity. Not only that, I find no way to explain history but for Jesus to have truly lived, died, and lived again. Yet even with all this head knowledge, I struggle constantly with a heart knowledge. I normally don't share my journal entries with anyone but Casey, but I feel that many of you may have similar thoughts. So here is part of mine from Saturday:
"My heart is a stone. I want you to rip it out and give me a living beating one. I have a head knowledge of you, and I even talk to you but I honestly don't know the last time I truly felt a connection with you. Yes, my soul is refreshed as I ride up the crest and as I enjoy the nature at camp, but is that it? Or is there more, where I can actually hear you? I refuse to believe the silence is evidence that you don't exist. Everything I know points to not only a deity but also to Jesus living, dying, and rising. So what do I do? Where is my emergency cart to revive my heart?"I once read a book by Pete Greig called God on Mute. In it is a section about Holy Saturday, the day where the disciples were in limbo. They were shocked by the death of their Messiah, and not knowing what God was going to have them do next. They were waiting for some word, possibly to no avail other than the burning in their hearts from knowing Christ personally. However, this is what Pete has to say about it:
I guess it’s the one day in the entire year when the Church has nothing to say. And yet, although we know so little about it, Holy Saturday seems to me to describe the place in which many of us live our lives: waiting for God to speak. We know that Jesus died for us yesterday. We trust that there may be miracles tomorrow. But what of today – this eternal Sabbath when heaven is silent? Where, we wonder, is God now?Ironically, the next day as I was on a trail run, I was praying and asking God just to show me something or speak to me in some way. While some may call it coincidence, as I was waiting for an answer, it started lightly raining. Then, as I asked him to continue showing me it was from Him, it started to rain harder. While some may deem this mystical, I believe this was God saying He was with me.
How about you? Do you have times like this in your life? How do you deal with it?
Let me know.
Grace and Peace,
PS In regard to the support raising bike-a-thon for the Greers and Schauberts, I unfortunately have only had a few actually tell me they like the idea and even fewer that will commit. Please, on behalf of them and the kingdom, help with this. For September, I am currently at 7 miles. I do want to let you know on September 15 I will be doing the Tour of the Rio Grande River Valley Century, so that's 100 miles right there.